boundaried for bountiful: home for the holidays
Christmas is just a little over one week away. It’s one of the most widely celebrated and holiest of holidays that celebrates the birth of Christ by Mother Mary. We celebrate the coming of Christ because God sent His son to save us from our sins.
And yet…
How often have you heard someone (either yourself or a loved one) say, “I just need to get through the holidays?” With the commercialization of this day, pressure of upholding traditions (both cultural and familial), and a whole snowstorm of factors beyond human control, it’s no wonder that many already feel stress + burnout leading up to a day meant to be full of joy and celebration.
So how can you turn an “I need to get through” experience into an “I get to” one? The answer: boundaries.
Nedra Glover Tawwab, a New York Times bestselling author as well as licensed therapist and relationship expert, defines boundaries as “expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in relationships.”
Healthy boundaries go beyond saying “no” and canceling anything that does not fit your agenda. This is an important distinction to make. Healthy boundaries honor the five dimensions of wellness: physical, mental, emotional, social, and spiritual. I believe God intended for us to practice boundary setting each and every day. Boundaries always exist, but healthy boundaries honor what’s holy by keeping God first, honoring your fundamental need for self care practices, reinforcing the body as a temple, and encouraging us to pour into our relationships + encounters as reflections of Jesus. To practice boundary setting, respecting, and holding is to be practice agape.
Throughout the New Testament, the concept of agape shows up over 200 times. Agape is Greek for God’s love. Not just any love – a love in action. Agape love highlights the infinitely reciprocal nature of His love for us. Thanks to His love for us, we have the opportunity to share the heart of Jesus by reflecting the love we have so graciously received.
Here’s how you can distinguish between healthy + unhealthy boundaries:
Porous boundaries - weak and often unexpressed, frequently goes hand in hand with overwhelm / anxiety / depression / unhealthy relationships (often doing too much whether it’s sharing, doing things for others, and accepting disrespect)
Rigid boundaries - tough and often overexpressed, frequently goes hand in hand with defensiveness (often not allowing enough whether it’s sharing, forgiveness, and practicing grace)
Healthy boundaries - a balance between refusing and allowing, an integration of values / opinions/ courageous vulnerability of your’s and others
In Mark 12:30-31, we are taught that the greatest commandments are to:
“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”
Agape only looks to share in the greatest good for another and embodies the Golden Rule to do unto others as you would want to be done to you. All too often, boundaries are set far too late. A lack of self care, overwhelm, feelings of anger + resentment, and severe avoidance are all signs that a need for boundaries is present. When we don’t set boundaries when we are supposed to, instead we tend to create physical boundaries, gossip, complain, avoid the situation, and cutoff (cancel) – all of which cause division that is not of God. Healthy boundaries keep us + others accountable to the Golden Rule by communicating how we wish to treat others + be treated.
By keeping agape front and center, we harness a love that calls for each of us to make a choice to look after the wellbeing of others (your loved ones, neighbors, and even strangers and foes alike) without expecting anything in return. It’s what enables healing over hurting, loving over hating, and empowering over imprisoning.
Here are 5 things you can do to set, respect, and hold boundaries this holiday season:
Keep up your care + wellness routines. Whether it’s working out, meditating, getting some yoga in, etc. By sticking to your commitments to yourself, it’s easier to respect the needs of those around you.
Limit availability. There are only 24 hours in each day and you can only do so much. By limiting how many gatherings + celebrations you attend, you give yourself more margin to be fully present for deeper connection.
Mind the discomfort. Whether it’s a misplaced comment, unwelcome contact, unrealistic expectations, etc. Suggest a different course of action along with the uncomfortable emotions that may be arising.
Be ready for repeat. Whether it’s your first attempt or not, remember that boundaries are met with all sorts of different responses. We all need time + space to learn, grow, and adjust.
Enjoy. When you are light + in flow, your nervous system is signaling that you are at ease. Remember to take breaks for yourself to keep your energy positive, loving, and kind. When you do things that bring you joy, that will be felt + experienced by all those around you too.
Wishing you all a very merry Christmas filled with God's perfect love. May we keep Him as our focus to remember that when we honor Him, we honor ourselves and one another.
If you’re ready to set loving boundaries, you can schedule a 1:1 complimentary consultation here.
Kim Yamasaki is a Christian wellness coach who supports her clients in cultivating space + stillness in the mind, body, and Spirit through collaborative processes of co-creation. She provides services that create space _ stillness for deeper connection: spiritual wellness coaching for burnout, home organizing, and yoga. Her methods are affirming, grounding, and nurturing – all interlaced with playful creativity. She is a native Angeleno with Japanese and Chinese roots.
This article was originally published for the “selah space” newsletter, reclaiming abundance’s care package for go-getters. “Selah space” offers content to support readers looking to break the cycle of stress + burnout by living, loving, and learning deeply to be their most calm, confident, and complete selves. In the Bible, selah means “to pause or to reflect.” It appears most heavily in the Book of Psalms and Habakkuk as musical notations at the end of verses to draw attention back to what was previously expressed.