turning a new leaf: forgiveness
There’s a quote by a man named Paul Boose that says, “Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.”
Ahh, forgiveness. A medicine that when taken, goes down like a harsh cough syrup. And yet, a medicine when consumed, has lasting healing effects.
In the last few years, there’s a lot that God has revealed to me about forgiveness. Forgiveness did not come to me very easily + I had wrestled with it for a long time. There’s an inner child in me that shows up from time to time who believes that by holding on to hurt + disappointment, I can control outcomes and grow in strength by building a protective wall of defense. This child could not fathom forgiveness because she believed it was dependent on another person changing. That inner child drove my path for a very large portion of my life and eventually caught up to me when life changed in ways that I could neither predict nor control. God had His ways of bringing me back on the path that He called for me. Being able to forgive and let go (not forget mind you) has been all the difference. Forgiveness frees you from the imprisonment of hurt so that you can begin to heal and hope for the better. You can remember the hurt + learn and grow from it and you find freedom when you choose to move in spite of it. It allows you to move with pureness, lightness, and ease in a way that you can move in the fullness of love at the forefront.
In Ephesians 4:29 - 32, Apostle Paul writes in a letter to Ephesus while he is imprisoned as an encouragement to live a life worthy of God’s glory. In it, he details God’s grace and forgiveness. He writes:
"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.
Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."
Paul talks about how the Gospel should affect our belief, but also how we live out all aspects of our lives. Paul recognizes that we are not all the exact same replicas of one another, but encourages us by saying that we are unified as a body of one through our faith. He encourages us to take off and shed the old and to put on the new. To live lives that draw us closer to Him and further from our sin nature. To hold onto pain is to release the heaviness of the weight of the hurt, worry, and attention spent on someone else so that you may be able to move forward with loving ease + lightness.
God’s forgiveness is God’s grace. Through Jesus, we are forgiven of our sins. What Jesus gave us sacrificially and freely is to be passed on obediently to all those around us. We are encouraged to forgive over and over again and to approach our relationships with encouragement, freshness, and ease.
There is a peace in knowing that Christ died so that you could be forgiven. While each of us have a duty to practice forgiveness, it is also important to remind yourself with compassion that you are valid + have a right to feel what you feel. You do not have to forget the hurt that was done or even be alright with what happened. The peace in forgiveness, however, comes from being able to accept that it happened and allow yourself to make choices to live more fully from a place of hope and abundance rather than a place of loss and scarcity. To let go to let in so that you are not holding on as the rest of your life passes you by.
Forgiveness is a process of letting go of old energy that does not serve you. Whether it be a thought, belief, or attachment, when you release, you not only forgive what/who has offended you, you also free yourself. It means to leave no record of wrongdoing and upholding a threshold level of respect, kindness, and compassion. Forgiveness is a gift given to us by the blood of Jesus to be able to love and hold one another in spite of and because of each other’s imperfections. It changes hearts, allows for transformation growth, and creates possibilities of deepened connection through the power of vulnerability + intimacy.
When you get hurt, offended, or threatened, it takes an enormous amount of willpower to be able to resist the urge to react in an unhinged way. Being able to process it internally allows you to be able to respond from a place of love and compassion. If you have made it here, you have a regular practice of showing up to your best abilities.
So how can you process + move through it? I generally recommend writing a private letter to God. There’s something about the act of pulling out a pen and paper, your journal, or tablet and physically writing down where the thorns lie. Being able to write it down provides an emotional release and a line of communication with Him to speak over you. To speak and confide in Him.
Here’s how you can move through this process:
IDENTIFY THE HURT.
First, identify a relationship (either with yourself or a loved one), in which you are experiencing some sort of misalignment and agitation that could use some closure.
LET IT FLOW.
This is a free write exercise. Write honestly. The more honest and vulnerable you are with Him, the more He is able to do His work. He can only move when you are ready. There's no worries of: needing to beat around the bush, getting criticized for the thoughts that arise, or needing to protect someone else's feelings. This is your opportunity to free yourself from hurt, worry, anxiety, and/or regret.
REFLECT.
In writing this letter, you are allowing for a spiritual and emotional release. This intentional activity is committing to the act of forgiveness and serves as an outlet to reflect, process, and let go of the weight of the burdens you have carried. It is important to give what has pained you, pricked you, and left a hurtful thorn some space to breathe. In doing so, you release the heaviness associated with it to allow for powerful communications to take place.
CLARIFY + LISTEN.
Now read your letter and highlight any areas that draw clarity to where the thorns are present. Ask God to reveal your heart to you. You can ask + listen for His word on focused questions such as:
Where is there unresolved grief, hurt, or pain?
What do I need to apologize to myself for?
Who can I confide in for support and where can resolution come from?
Who can I meet with greater appreciation at this moment?
What did I learn about myself from this experience?
RELEASE + LET GO.
Your thoughts and actions are a reflection of what is already inside of you. Your relationships will mirror that. After gaining clarity on why any thorns affected you in the way they did, get clear on how you can resolve the matter and whether it’s possible to "squash it" with your loved one. You can ask for the Spirit’s guidance on how to move with calm + confidence with focused questions such as:
What did you appreciate about this person or the experience?
What hurt came from this experience?
What lessons were learned?
What changes can you or will you need to make in your lifestyle or with this person?
Forgiveness requires us to be an active participant in taking actions that ask for more of Him and less of us in the greatest way possible. It is selfless. It requires our patience as well as difficult conversations that usually push us to grow outside of our existing comfort zones. It asks us to remember that just as relationships take time, energy, and attention to build, they also take time, energy, and attention to grow. And it always comes back somehow, some way tenfold.
If you’re ready to process forgiveness with His grace and compassion, you can schedule a 1:1 complimentary consultation here.
Kim Yamasaki is a Christian wellness coach who supports her clients in cultivating space + stillness in the mind, body, and Spirit through collaborative processes of co-creation. She provides services that create space _ stillness for deeper connection: spiritual wellness coaching for burnout, home organizing, and yoga. Her methods are affirming, grounding, and nurturing – all interlaced with playful creativity. She is a native Angeleno with Japanese and Chinese roots.
This article was originally published for the “selah space” newsletter, reclaiming abundance’s care package for go-getters that is released on a monthly basis. “Selah space” offers content to support readers looking to for greater balance by living, loving, and learning deeply to be their most calm, confident, and complete selves. In the Bible, selah means “to pause or to reflect.” It appears most heavily in the Book of Psalms and Habakkuk as musical notations at the end of verses to draw attention back to what was previously expressed.